This Semester: Retrospective I

I never thought I would be writing a "what I learned" response outside of school, but here I am.

In the last semester I learned how to not base my personality off of a routine or schedule.

looking

Beauty comes in the most unexpected places.
It's always in the dark if you know how to look.

Regroup

It's time for me to focus my life again. So I'll break it down and make it really easy for me to understand:

• Stephen wasn't at the lesson. That is NO reason to get derailed from my practice schedule. I don't need someone to inspire me, I'm inspired all on my own. I just need to...er...be inspired.
  
• The TV is on when I come in the house. I have NO reason to just sit down with the computer and stay there for 5 hours. What the hell am I thinking? Regardless, it's time for sloth to go away, and it's time for me to take advantage of the time I have at my fingertips.
  
• I'm not always consistent. That's NO reason I can't create beauty and peace where I go. That's NO reason I can't keep trying.
• I wake up too late or sleep through my alarm. That's NO reason I should shut myself down and close off. I can keep going and keep trying. Always.
  

I'm not going to walk forward, I'm going to run.
It's gonna be great.

The Song of Remembrance

I haven't forgotten to write, it just hasn't happened yet. It will soon.
I've been busy, but I can always pick up the pieces and

continue where I left off.

Chapters

Tomorrow I hop on a plane, and roughly 10 hours later land in EUROPE.

Whoa.

Clarity

Life is a confusing, twisting mess of pain and happiness and sadness and anger and triumph and fear and a million other emotions pulling you in just as many directions. Occasionally, though, it all lifts up and you see everything clearly--where in one moment you realize that it's all going to be OK.


I'm happy
and growing

College

I am officially excited.

roll mah sleeves up

Last night I realized that I live most of life in a state of observation while the people I tend to envy are the ones getting their hands in everything.

Solution? Get dirty!

~

I feel like there is considerable truth to the phrase, "do one thing every day that scares you." Well it's about time I started living by it.

Something New

I need to figure out how to go through my routine and not get pulled into lethargy. There has excitement and discovery, and something new in my routine. Is that such a bad thing? I just need to figure out how to do it and keep the dependability of a normal schedule.

Oh Felicia....

Homework

My list of goodbyes:

Goodbye sloth.

Goodbye stabbing myself in the back.

Goodbye fake personality.

Goodbye Craig.

speedbumbs

Here's where I get to tell myself, "I told you so."

When I was at my dad's house two weeks ago everything was so much easier. Practicing, living, being happy. I--naively--thought that returning would be the same. Somehow I started with energy and intent and got myself going, which led to momentum. Positive momentum that for the week, kept me going.

But all good things must come to an end.

I'm not sure what the best plan of attack is. I figure I should just keep plowing through until it all starts working again.

Baby Steps

I'm taking baby steps. They're small, but I never stop taking them.
They say slow and steady wins the race--well you better get my ribbon out.

don't look at the sun

I can shine if I want to.

Right here.

Right now.

You Spin Me Round

I found out it does hit him.

~
I saw him last night for the first time in a month

and it was great.

crawlin down the avenue

ADELE just reminded me it's been a month since I last saw him.

I'll be honest, I'm not totally healed, I'm not totally over it, and I'm not sure how it will be seeing him again. My stomach still bottoms out every time I see a facebook update about him, and I realize that I still really care about him. I'm not sure if caring about him is holding me back, though. It shouldn't in theory, but is it?

I have risen above, though. I have come out of it stronger, ready for the next chapter. It was painful, and I don't know why it happened, but I am SO ready for this next semester. I'm ready to work, I'm ready to practice, and I'm ready to let myself BE HAPPY!!

~

I need to get away
To feel again
Try to understand why
Don't get so close
To change my mind
Please wipe that look
Out of your eyes
It's bribing me
To doubt myself
Simply, it's tiring

But sometimes it still hits me, and I wonder if it hits him too...

Music to My Ears

I see myself getting better. I can actually tell that I have been improving, and it is so exciting.

I've been playing cello for AAT's Guys and Dolls with an orchestra that I would expect to be really tight. I guess the world is telling me not expect things. For some reason the orchestra doesn't work together. Even though there are professional players, it is both out of tune and not together. I'm frustrated because I can't do anything about it; I've tried making us tune more and I've asked Eleanor for more rehearsals. All I can really do is play my part well. But when I know my part, I expect everyone else to as well. The most important part of this, though, is to produce my best work no matter what. And that's where the excitement comes from--even though I'm frustrated with the orchestra as a whole, I think I'm playing well.

On another note, I'm making a schedule for next week. I'll give it a week and see how it works:

7:00- Wake up, shower, eat food.
8:00- Practice
8:50- Break
9:00- Practice
9:50- Break
11:00- Practice
12:00- Lunch
1:00- Optional Practice/SC Pops stuff
2:00- Free
3:00- NL work/Free
9:30- Optional Practice

My goal for this week: to slow down, not freak out, and be present in every action.

Crossing Over

Plans for this semester (in no particular order):

Lessons with Irene Sharp or Stephen Harrison.
Trip to Europe with mom.
Being a (board) member of the Santa Cruz Pops Orchestra.
Job at New Leaf.
Slowing down.
Continuing Aikido and running.
Figure out summer jobs/camps.
Create and maintain lasting friendships.
Sing in a choir and play in an orchestra.
Get my drivers license and learn to drive stick-shift.
Write letters.

But I really want to breathe and find my own rhythm. I want to find what makes me happy and do it as much as possible. I want to be spontaneous, joyous, and approach every task with open eyes.

Another Beginning

Here's another blog and another try. But this time it's going to be different. I'm not forcing myself to do or be anything, I'm just giving myself a space.

I'm excited and scared for this next semester--I'm going to get space to just be me. I think it will end up being a detox from high school, but we'll see how it turns out come December.

So here we go, once again with feeling!!